Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you how much you love them

My boy is away. For a whole week. On a school residential trip. And I miss him. I miss him so much.

I haven't felt so calm and relaxed in over ten years. Since the day he was born he was hard work. No that's not true. He slept a lot for about two weeks and then he hardly slept at all. 

He still hardly sleeps. We joke about what a great Prime Minister he would make. He can survive on such little sleep. 

I've always had to stay one step ahead of him. Even before his asperger diagnosis. I'd have to hold onto his hand tight so he wouldn't run away. I'd lock all the windows so he didn't climb out. He'd need extra clips and straps on his buggy, car seat, high chair because he was like a little Houdini managing to wriggle out all the time. 

People used to say to me 'I feel exhausted just watching you' and 'my child would never even think of doing that' (whatever 'that' might have been - usually climbing up somewhere high that one year olds are not supposed to be able to climb onto.)

He never could cope with transition times so the next 'activity' always had to be ready. 

I had to scan a room for potential hazards and prevent the problems from happening. Even now I find myself telling J 'don't even think about it' - he will smile a smile because he usually knows exactly what I mean because whatever it is he's not supposed to do would have already crossed his mind and if I don't stop him from doing it, he will. 

He can't see what the consequences will be. Everyone else will know but he just can't see it until he knocks the glass of milk over/ gets injured from jumping on and off walls / falling off his chair because he's mucking about/ breaking something from throwing an object at it and the list goes on and on. 

And it's non stop. It is 24/7. Especially because of the lack of sleep issue he has. And it is tiring. No it is exhausting. And I have long craved for, and dreamed of, a break from it. 

'If only someone else could take care of him for a full 24 hours. I just need a break from it.' I have cried out at times when I've been at the end of my tether. 

And now I have a whole week to myself. Ok well not entirely to myself. I still have D and Miss T to look after but they are easy. Yes two children not on the autistic spectrum are an absolute doddle compared to one who is.

I hadn't quite realised just how different our life is when he is around. I wouldn't have it any other way - or rather I wouldn't have him any other way - but I hadn't realised just how exhausting it was. I haven't had a choice. You just have to get on with it as a parent don't you. 

But him being away, leaves a huge gap. I love not having to raise my voice / be permanently on edge/ having to stay one step ahead and I love this feeling of how calm and relaxed I am. 

But I miss him. I miss him SO much. And I worry. 

Would I miss or worry about D so much if he was away on a school trip? I honestly don't think so. I love him as much - of course I do but despite being younger, I would feel confident that D would cope. J holds it together at school each day but lets off steam at home. How will he be able to do that whilst being away with school teachers and school friends around him all day and night. 

What about the practicalities. He's ten. Yet he can't unbutton his shirt. He needs help brushing teeth. He cannot do shoelaces. 

He relaxes with computer time, yet no gadgets have been permitted on the trip. 

What if he misses home - will he tell someone? He's never been away from us. Not even a sleepover with a friend or relative. Never. And now 7 nights away. 

What if he has a meltdown? He has kept his anxiety in check since starting at this school but in a completely new situation away from home, will he cope? Or will they see a side to him that they haven't seen yet. 

I'm so proud of him for even going on the trip. He could have taken the easy option and opted out. He has awesome teachers and classmates with him. I know they'll take good care of him. And yet I worry. I worry more than I would about my other children. Is that 'normal' for a parent of an aspie child? I expect so. 

So I'm in this weird place right now of enjoying the peace - no spinning, no throwing things, no tears or tantrums - and yet I feel this higher level than normal worry for him and miss him intensely at the same time. 

Miss you J. Hope you are having an awesome time. Can't wait to see you next Friday.