First breath



First breath

 

As I write this I have been reading all of the blogs that have chosen their favourite photo and shared some of their most precious memories. Such special photos all with a story to tell. As I laughed, and as I cried reading those blogs, I felt so privileged to be allowed a glimpse into their lives. I had initially thought this would be a bit of fun – I love looking at photos and I could add a few words and hey presto. But I very quickly realised that there was no way that I could pick out a photo that could top any of theirs. There was no way I could write from the heart in the same way that they had done. I was left feeling a little lost into this world of blogging that is still new and confusing to me and where I am so worried of making mistakes and saying the wrong things, let alone the technical aspects that I cannot really fathom.

I nearly didn’t bother. I felt so inadequate in comparison to what I had read this evening, but then it dawned on me. I realised, probably for the first time, that I just need to do it for me anyway – just record it as if I am the only person in the world who will ever see it (and who knows I may be).  I have so enjoyed reading the highs and lows, the tears and happiness, the sheer emotion I have seen in other peoples photos, the inspiration I have had from their words, and the privilege it has been…and I realised that whilst each and every photo stood on its own as amazing, hopping from blog to blog and seeing them woven together made each photo, each word speak out louder than if it was only one blog that I had read.  And I wanted to be part of that whole picture in case someone else is stumbling through the blogosphere as I have been this evening.

So here it is…my favourite photo and the story it tells…

Baby Trinity – literally just a few minutes old. Everyone has a newborn baby photo, the first photo of their baby, perhaps in mum or dads arms. We did for our two sons, once they had been checked and weighed and cleaned up a bit, dressed in a baby grow and then the photo moment.  So it can be put on the new arrival announcements, or these days posted onto facebook for everyone to see your adorable cute new baby.

I’m sorry but this photo does not say cute…if anything it says ‘yuck’ with skin all covered in vernix and amniotic fluid, but it is what it represents to me that is so special. Having two older boys, the eldest with aspergers, a small gap between the two of them, being so busy with homeschooling them both, I was guilty of forgetting. I had forgotten where they came from. I had forgotten that they had started life as these tiny little bundles. I had forgotten the promises I whispered into my babies ears that I would do my best for them, that I would try my hardest to be the best mum I could be to them. My best intentions had gradually been replaced with coping…day to day battles with trying to understand Joshua’s needs, trying to understand his way of thinking, getting angry that he couldn’t be like ‘normal’ children and be at school, struggling to find time and patience for Daniel as all my strength was zapped away by everything else and not getting even a minute spare to myself. I was guilty. There was no question about it.  I had forgotten the magic. I had forgotten the miracle. A new life born into the world is nothing less than a miracle. The miracle of life  – it is the moment that one person becomes two. A whole new life emerges that didn’t exist on it’s own before that moment…before this moment this little life was sustained by a life support machine in the form of it’s mother’s womb, but now it takes it’s first breath alone. I thank my baby daughter Trinity with all my heart for reminding me of this. And I make this promise to all three of my children…a kind of renewal of vows…I do love you and I will love you forever, you are each a miracle, you are each unique, I love every little thing about you (yes – everything), and there is one equation I want to share with you that defies all laws of mathematics. One equation that when you have children of your own one day will understand…when it comes to loving your children, the laws of division get torn apart. This mummy found a love that she never knew was possible when you were born Joshua, and then that amount of love did not get divided by two when Daniel came along, but it did the opposite, it doubled. And now that baby Trinity is here I found that my love is not divided into three…far from it… mummy’s love grew once more from the very moment Trinity took her first breath.

“This blog post has been written as an entry into the Tots100 competition in association with Boots Mother and Baby“